Source: https://www.ylaw.ca/blog/what-are-the-most-common-reasons-for-divorce-a-bc-family-lawyer-explains/

There is no one reason as to why people divorce. There are many reasons why people divorce and each individual’s reason is very personal to them.

As family law professionals, we see many themes and patterns in the reasons why people divorce. If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage or even just thinking of entering into one, we are hopeful that this blog can help you to better understand some of the common explanations for divorce to allow you to identify and deal with relationship issues before they become too big to resolve.

Table of Contents

1 Infidelity

**2 **Lack of communication as a reason for divorce

3 Incompatibility

4 Expectations

5 Financial incompatibility as a reason for divorce

6 Family violence

7 Get help from our divorce specialists

Infidelity

For most people, committing to someone through marriage means a commitment or pledge to monogamy. The individuals essentially vow to spend their life with that one person forever. If the two partners have not consented to an open or polyamorous relationship, then having an emotional or physical relationship with another individual can be seen as the ultimate betrayal.

Infidelity often leads to one partner engaging in deceptive, and manipulative behaviour to allow them to pursue another person outside of the relationship. For many, this behaviour is a deal breaker and a sign that a relationship is too broken to be fixed. For others, it can lead to a long road of forgiveness, and rebuilding communication, often with the assistance of a marriage counsellor. Infidelity is not, from our experience, the most common reason why people divorce. However, when infidelity has occurred in a relationship the likelihood of a divorce occurring increases exponentially.

Infidelity can also occur in the context of some of the other problems described below. It can begin with one partner looking outside the relationship for emotional satisfaction or validation that they feel are lacking in their current relationship.

Lack of communication as a reason for divorce

Effective communication is one of the key components of a successful relationship. Being able to express your needs and wants to your partner is essential to building a strong foundation and ensure that conflict can be resolved quickly before it escalates and becomes anger or resentment.

Individuals usually have one of three types of communication styles, and they can even flip flop between each style depending on the situation. These styles include passive, assertive, and aggressive forms of communicating. Each person brings a unique perspective into a relationship coloured by their past experiences. If someone has past traumas, they can often shut down when in conflict (passive) or even become very confrontational in conflict (aggressive). The goal in all types of relationships is to be able to find your voice and assert your needs and wants. For many, it may take years of healing and active work to change these patterns and to get to a point where you can be assertive when communicating with others, especially your partner. By the time that change happens, it may be too late for their relationship.

Cohabitation agreements, also called marriage agreements or pre-nups, are one form of communication for dealing with some aspects—particularly money—of a relationship without necessarily having to do the hard work of figuring out what each person’s perspectives are with the assistance of a lawyer. Drafting cohabitation agreements can uncover issues such as partners being unwilling to share basic financial information, partners being unwilling to be supportive of child-rearing efforts, partners not willing to respect what people have brought into the relationship or will inherit, among a host of other issues. The process of negotiation can serve as useful tripwire to ensure you stumble over issues that may end the relationship sooner, rather than later, and hopefully allows people to disentangle themselves if they discover they don’t want to be in a longer term relationship or, importantly, have children with the other person at all. Once you have children, even if you divorce or separate, you will likely have long-lasting ties to the other person and it’s best to discover any issues before children arrive.

Incompatibility

There are many forms of incompatibility. The most common forms of incompatibility from our experience are sexual, social, and financial incompatibility. To be more specific, forms of incompatibility could include:

1. different sex drives or sexual desires;
2. varying financial goals;
3. the desire to have children or to not have children;
4. extended family obligations;
5. political affiliations;
6. engaging or not engaging in certain religious practices; or
7. parenting styles.

Every relationship requires a certain amount of work and compromise to reach a happy medium with your partner. In some cases, people are so entrenched in their values or patterns of behaviour that there can be no common ground, even with outside assistance from friends, family, or professionals. Without compromise, many people choose divorce as they see divorce as the only way to honour their values, goals, and desires.

Expectations

It is very common for people to place expectations on others, including their partners. When people do not live up to our expectations, we can often be left disappointed. Expectations can kill relationships, especially if they are unreasonable or unattainable.

There is a saying that I think rings true here: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Entering a relationship or continuing within a relationship with an expectation that your partner will change or one day magically become a different version of themselves that you prefer, is not fair to yourself or your partner. A marriage is a commitment to a person to love every part of them and support them even through the harder times. This does not mean that someone needs to sacrifice their wants and desires to support their partner, but for a relationship to last, unrealistic expectations need to fade away or else the chances for a divorce can rise dramatically. If you want to be with someone different, go be with someone different.

Financial incompatibility as a reason for divorce

Financial problems are often intertwined with communication issues, unrealistic expectations, and financial incompatibility. For a relationship to succeed, people should be able to have open and honest communication about their personal finances and the finances of the family. People say that money is the route of all evil, and it may be true if you hold negative or scarcity views of money such as there is never enough of it.

Alternatively, some people may feel that their private affairs are their private affairs and not their partner’s business. If that’s the case, then maybe that person is not the right person if you feel you don’t want to trust them with simple information such as bank and credit card balances.

Additionally, where there is a significant income gap (between partners), if communication and expectations are not properly dealt with, tensions can arise. Does one partner feel like the other is being stingy? Is one partner feeling like a cheque-book or that they should have more control over how the money they earned gets spent? Does another partner feel like their child-rearing labour is not being properly valued and respected?

Relationships where an open and honest dialogue about money is lacking or non-existent too often lead to divorce.

Family violence

Family violence is not just defined by the presence or threat of physical harm within a relationship. It can include emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, and even technological abuse. The common link between all these forms of abuse, is a need to assert power and control over a situation and/or another person.

The presence of family violence is incredibly common in family law and many people, including lawyers, academics, and scholars, attempt to discredit the truthfulness of accusations, instead, emphasizing the prevalence of false claims. The reality, however, is that family violence is very common because its very existence is based on the lived experience and perception of the individual experiencing it, and not the conscious intention of the perpetrator to cause harm toward their partner or child. What might be interpreted as abuse to one person, may not be perceived as abuse to another.

For many individuals in relationships where family violence is present, it can be extremely difficult to leave the relationship. When people do finally leave, they can often come back, and this has been described as the cycle of abuse. For those who can leave, divorce is an important way to sever their tie to their abuser and ultimately heal from the trauma caused within the relationship.

Get help from our divorce specialists

These reasons for divorce are not an exhaustive list of every possible reason people choose to leave. In Canada, we have no-fault divorce which allows people to leave marriages without needing to provide a concrete reason to the courts, or even their spouses, for why they chose to end the relationship. Some people are simply not ready for the commitment and the effort needed to sustain a long-term relationship and these individuals should be able to make this very personal choice without needing to provide an explanation to justify their actions.

At YLaw, our divorce lawyers in Vancouver know that coming to the point of applying for a divorce is a huge step. This takes courage and even love for oneself. Divorce is the beginning of a new life, and with it, comes proper planning and setting yourself up for life after divorce. For this reason, approaching separation and all issues relating to it, including financial, support and parenting time can be overwhelming. Even small mistakes can cost fortunes and children’s lives may be harmed.

YLaw Group provides solid, strategic advice about all aspects of your divorce. Consult with our award-winning legal team for guidance and advice. Call 604-974-9529 or get in touch.