When I asked for a divorce from my partner, I genuinely believed it was going to be the easiest, most peaceful divorce imaginable. We were both on the same page, (I thought,) about it being over, and we were both super reasonable – neither of us would want to fight or waste our hard earned savings on lawyers or courts. I couldn’t have been more wrong. And being wrong cost me years of my life, more money than you can imagine, and an immense amount of suffering.

As it turns out, it takes two people to keep a divorce peaceful, and only one to make it an all out war.

If you want the easiest, cheapest, lowest conflict divorce possible, it’s important to assess what kind of divorce you’re going to have. You can’t control your partner’s actions, but you can control your own - and if you guess right, you can prepare, lawyer-up just right, and prevent a lot of conflict even if your partner drops their gloves.

Your unique assessment comes down to a few things:

1. Why are you getting divorced?
2. What is your goal in getting divorced?
3. How is your partner reacting to the idea of getting divorced?
4. What is Your Conflict Style as a Couple?

1. Why Are You Getting Divorced?

Divorce is often fraught with anger, sadness and loss. Some people divorce because of infidelity, some leave abusive situations, some just grow apart. There are all kinds of reasons.

Ask yourself how high each of your and your partner’s emotions are (and are likely to be) surrounding the divorce. If emotions and conflict are high, it may be difficult for one or both of you to set aside feelings enough to keep things from escalating, and you may find yourself in a higher conflict situation. Giving time for cooler heads to prevail may mean better outcomes for your whole family.

If you are leaving a partner who is either abusive or clearly looking to take you to the cleaners, you may need to take special precautions – like speaking frankly with a strategic-minded lawyer months,if not years – in advance of leaving. There are lots of precautions that can be taken in advance to protect you, but they take time and forethought.

2. What is your goal in getting divorced?

Do you just want it over as quickly and painlessly as possible? Would you walk away from all your worldly possessions just to get out? Do you want as much as you can get? Or do you just want a “fair” division of assets and custody?

The outcome you hope to achieve will have a big effect on how much conflict you can expect. If you want something fair, but your partner wants as much as they can get, you are going to be in for a fight – and you should choose your lawyer accordingly. If you want to just walk away, there may be little you need to do if there are no real assets and kids to fight over. If you each are looking for a fair outcome, you have hit the sweet spot of a peaceful, “easy” divorce.

3. How is Your Partner Reacting to the Idea of Getting Divorced?

Then you need to ask yourself the same question about your partner. If they become enraged, or passive-aggressive, or secretive when you ask for a divorce, that’s a good indicator that you’re in for a fight. If they are sharing information freely and working with you transparently and openly to resolve your issues together, that’s a good sign that you’ll be able to keep it peaceful. It may be as simple as a series of conversations and then jointly hiring a lawyer to write out a separation agreement for you. Or maybe you both work with a mediator to solve some of the stickier issues and then you each have your own lawyers review a separation agreement on your behalf.

If you partner is keeping to themselves, starting fights, holding grudges, avoiding you, hiding papers (or even not sharing information freely) or stomping around, you’ll need to think hard about whether this behaviour is something that will subside in time so you can work things out, or if you need to brace yourself for a fight. Chances are, if your relationship was full of conflict, your divorce will be too – and then getting some advice from a lawyer asap should be a priority for you. Waiting can be very very costly.

4. What is Your Conflict Style as a Couple?

Ask yourself: did we fight a lot as a couple? When we fought, were they good clean fights? Or did one or both of you play dirty? Was there name calling? Personal attacks? Were you able to de-escalate fights and eventually resolve them in a way that left you both feeling better? Or did fights go unresolved for long periods (or maybe forever)? Were there put downs or lectures or rants? Were you both (not just you) able to keep it civil in public and around the kids?

How you fought as a couple will be a pretty good indicator of how you are likely to “fight out” your divorce. Divorces have conflict – that’s unavoidable. But how you fight makes all the difference. Once you figure out your style, you can start to prepare, hire the right kind of lawyer for you, and take all reasonable steps to make your divorce as painless as possible.