If you're like most people, you don't know what lawyers do. I didn't actually know what lawyers did until I finished law school and became one myself. But when you're getting divorced or considering divorce, it's more important than you think to choose the right one.

I've asked many people how they chose their divorce lawyers. The overwhelming response: “I asked family and friends!”. Based on these recommendations, a few google reviews or reviews of a lawyer's website, people are making decisions about a legal process that will impact them, their finances and their children for the rest of their lives.

I am no exception. Despite being a lawyer, this is precisely what I did when choosing my divorce lawyer. I wrongly thought I would be able to "decode" all of the "lawyer-speak" and wade through the websites until I found the perfect match. In reality, I really couldn’t tell the difference, or decide how to choose either. I just thought I should get “the best”.

I discovered that all of the sites and profiles looked the same. Every lawyer said they were experts in all areas of family law. Turns out there were a lot more nuances than I expected. After six years, five different lawyers and some bad missteps (mainly due to advice from well-meaning and even very competent lawyers), I learned a harsh, painful and costly lesson when choosing a lawyer: fit matters.

We all think the "wrong" one is wrong because they are incompetent, rude or just in it to take your money. However, the reality is a bit more subtle than that.

Despite being professionals, lawyers have their own biases. These biases influence the advice they give, their recommendations, and their actions and advice can sometimes unintentionally escalate the conflict in your divorce despite their best intentions to help. Some might prefer litigation "going to court" vs. negotiation - finding a deal between the two parties.

But there’s a problem when your lawyer's biases don’t align with your values or situation. Despite having years of experience and best intentions, they might not “get you” or know how to best deal with your particular situation. You might be trying to break from an abusive partner or dealing with a high-conflict individual who seeks to quarrel at every turn and doesn’t intend to play fair. The result can be a process, spiked with tension and conflict, that drags even longer than normal bleeds legal fees and actually leads to bad or unfair outcomes. In the worst scenarios, you can be left penniless, separated from your kids, and still have to deal with a monster of an ex.

I now know many people who've had a similar experience, so I decided to write this to help you through the divorce process as easily, cheaply, and effectively as possible. To that end, here is a list of seven things I think you should think about when choosing the right divorce lawyer for you.

1. What Kind of Divorce Will Yours Be?

Divorces come in all shapes and sizes. The key is to get crystal clear on what your values are, what outcomes truly matter, and how each of you is likely to approach the divorce. You might think it's going to be peaceful and easy, but as things are uncovered, it turns nasty. It might be smooth sailing if both of you are motivated to keep conflict at bay and can amicably resolve the key issues - money, children and assets. Finally, it could be a boxing match from beginning to end: no quarter given. No surprises are the best surprises.

Being armed with some good legal and financial advice months (if not years) in advance of leaving, and following it, can ensure that the divorce goes peacefully, whether your partner likes it or not.

If you know your partner is in it to take you to the cleaners, you'll need a very different kind of lawyer than if you and your partner can agree on everything without a lawyer (or the courts) and stick to it.

If you believe you are squaring up for the fight of your life, or your ex is being anything but reasonable and forthcoming, you will likely need an aggressive lawyer—a strong litigator skilled at dealing with high-conflict people and the lawyer they hire. On the opposite end of the spectrum, an amicable break calls for a lawyer who leans towards collaborative divorce processes. Not one trying to “win” or get you as much as possible.

Sadly, it takes two people to keep a divorce amicable, and only one to turn things into an all out war. Fighting only profits the lawyers. The courts will never be able to get you 100% of what you want. And divorce is never free. We don't get to choose our partners' reactions, but we do get to control our own! Choose a lawyer that matches your values, but who has the skills to handle the level of friction you expect between you and your ex-partner. Always make sure you know your basic rights and obligations before you pull the plug.

1. How Complex is Your Situation?

Dividing the pie is easier when there is little or nothing to split in two. If you are both young and just starting in life - you do not own your house, have kids, pensions, or complicated financial situations - divorce can be like any other relationship "break-up." If you are willing to play nice, you can divide "the stuff" and decide who gets the IKEA couch, bed, TV, vinyl collection, etc. and then file for a divorce a year later. Your best ticket is a collaborative lawyer who can help you get things on paper without needing a high-powered litigator.

However, life rarely remains that simple. Kids, houses, pets, pensions, businesses, investments, and expensive toys can all muddy the waters and complicate a divorce. You can still avoid costly legal fees if both are fair-minded and looking to avoid conflict.

Some lawyers have a better head for numbers and can handle sorting through the forensic accounting of a spouse using their business to show less income or pay less child support. Others have social work backgrounds and a great understanding of the psychology of abusers and how to handle high conflict personality types in and out of a courtroom.

Some never want to go to court and prefer negotiating, mediating, and swapping letters and drafts rather than going to court. Some, in fact, simply will not go to court, which may leave you scrambling to find another lawyer, paying fees for the new lawyer to get up to speed, and incurring delays if you do need to. These types may avoid going to court EVEN WHEN when it really would have been the fastest, cheapest and most effective way of getting things done.

Regardless, you may still want a more business/financial savvy lawyer if your situation has complex financial entanglements - like a business or foreign income or investments. Coming up with fair business evaluations and working through the financials is challenging at the best of times, as the rules that apply when you do your taxes won’t necessarily apply when calculating income for child support or spousal support. Be clear on those rules before you start to avoid sunk costs.

Finally, suppose your ex-spouse is angry, sneaking around, being secretive, passive aggressive or clearly gearing up for a fight – sometimes it’s clear they will not act in good faith from the get-go. Be honest with yourself about this behaviour. There’s a difference between someone who is angry but behaving reasonably, and someone who is angry and doesn’t care who knows it.

In that case, you will probably be better served by an assertive lawyer who is well trained in strategies to handle “those types” and the often questionable lawyers they hire. You will need a lawyer who is educated in (and knows how to be effective against) aggressive litigation tactics, and who is prepared to spend a good deal of time working with you to cooperatively establish to protect you, your children, your assets and your rights. Messy divorces come with dirty tracks and sneaky tactics of ill-intentioned folks get a leg up, win over professionals and control the narrative.

3. Experience – The Vintage Bias!

This might seem obvious, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most lawyers put in their bios the year they were “called to the bar" (became a lawyer). The idea is simple: like wine, years of practice equals experience, and more experience equals seniority, hence a higher price tag.

But is that always true? More knowledgeable about the law? Maybe. Better at thinking strategically? Not necessarily. More personally vested in your file? Maybe not.

They also have likely lived within the rigid court system for so long that they may have more trouble thinking outside of it. They may take the system for granted, and as a result, forget to explain concepts or processes that they have been through countless times. In spite of being a lawyer, I had never been into a courtroom before my divorce and had no idea what to expect.

Also, a lot has changed in our society. Gender roles, who is the primary breadwinner, who looks after the kids, how men and women “ought” to look or behave, and what abuse (and victims) look like, have all changed radically. An older lawyer might have more traditional beliefs or hold unconscious biases that don’t align with your reality, and the reverse could be true as well.

Again, getting clear on your values, and making sure your lawyers’ are a fit is key in getting the best experience and outcomes.

Sometimes, it can be helpful if your lawyer also has other experience. For example, victims of abuse may be better off with lawyers with a background in social work or psychology or something similar, so they truly understand the dynamics of abuse and how to handle high-conflict personalities – which is not to say that there aren’t lawyers who are equally aware. But many great senior lawyers don't get it and think there has been no abuse if there are no broken bones. Trying to appeal to empathy or reason to settle things amicably with one of these types can often be counterproductive, highly damaging and costly.

Your lawyer should believe you and act as if they believe you.

4. Personality Fit?

In life, work and love, we are told fit is key. The more complex your divorce, the more time you'll spend working with your lawyer, the more you want them to like you, and the more you want to like them. You want your approach and values to be aligned. You want them to care about you and your kids personally, so they are motivated to get you the best possible outcome, and to go above and beyond.

If they plan to use junior lawyers, you’ll want to like and trust them too. Most do. Make sure you ask.

When figuring out a "fit" with a lawyer, you'll want to feel like, after sharing your situation with a lawyer you are interviewing, this lawyer "gets you." They respond by sharing a suggested approach that sounds good to you, your kids and your situation. They propose a way forward that feels right, hits the most critical points, and aligns with your values. Personally, I think it’s a good thing if your lawyer talks you down from any unrealistic expectations and tells you what you should realistically expect. A lawyer who tells you what you want to hear, will also tell others what they want to hear.

If you are the type to play fair, your lawyer should be too. Lawyers rely heavily on their reputations in court, and judges get to know lawyers and their reputations. Lawyers with a lousy reputation hold less credibility in court. Hiring a reputable lawyer with a solid track record of being prepared, respectful, competent and who defends reasonable clients, will be taken seriously by other lawyers and judges.

The reverse is true for “sharks”. Lawyers who seek to win at all costs are often not trustworthy – even for their clients.

5. Specialties

In addition to a lawyer’s seniority, you’ll also want to ask what their experience has been in and what things they don’t do. My first lawyer had no interest in going to court, and very little experience with mobility, which meant she ended up referring me on to someone else. Sunk cost.

Some lawyers love to go to court and be quick on their feet. They live for the thrill of it. The higher the level of court, the greater the thrill. These types may push you to go to court when you really don’t need to. A lawyer who advertises having been to appeals court several times in the last year may not be a good choice for an amicable divorce, as they may end up escalating things.

And lawyers are people too – they may want to take you on because your case interests them and is something they want to become an expert at – but aren’t yet an expert in. You should make an educated decision about this.

6. Communication & Urgency

To be successful - particularly in a high-conflict divorce - you need open, timely and effective communication. Crises rarely happen during business hours. Many twists and turns, especially when children are involved, can make them time-sensitive, and a few wrong words can have huge consequences. Handovers can be a major source of conflict, and getting access to your children, travel and visits are all time-bound events. Last minute (or down-to-the-wire) negotiations are stressful on everyone and can cost you a lot more in last-minute plane tickets, changed plans and disappointment.

An unresponsive lawyer can derail your entire position, as can a dismissive lawyer who shuns your pleas, emails and calls. Honesty is a must. Solidarity just as much. In my case, not having help in those critical moments, a lawyer who was on my side, and not having been adequately prepared, led to me losing a critical court hearing—the result: substantial additional financial cost, enduring conflict, unresolved child custody and a process that dragged on for years and hurt us all.

Your lawyer should communicate clearly and promptly, especially on urgent issues. They should prepare you for things that may happen and how to behave. Some lawyers take calls or answer emails outside of business hours, while others do not. Make sure you know your lawyer’s policy. They are human too and have families to go home to. In the zoom age, most lawyers will be willing to conference through virtual means.

You should feel like your lawyer reads the materials you've given them and knows your story and the key facts. They have a lot of files at the same time, and this is a hard thing to do. They should communicate with you well before court dates or deadlines to strategize and prepare collaboratively with you. You should know what evidence you need to gather, financials you need to have ready, what documents you need to help create, review and finalize. And you should understand what the implications are of the various steps of the process.

Golden rule: lawyers bill by the hour – in increments of 6 minutes. Every phone call and email is likely to cost you money. To save time and your piggy bank, get checklists from your lawyer or the internet, compile evidence and financial documents yourself: bank statements, pension information, deeds, mortgage and bills, childcare arrangements, and inheritance. Document everything and keep it organized. Especially communications between you and your ex. Educate yourself about the divorce – specifically for your jurisdiction - know your rights and ask questions. Be your own advocate, and don’t assume your lawyer knows best.

7. Skill & Competence

I have intentionally saved this point for last. You want to ensure that your lawyer knows the law inside and out and that they are up to date on the latest and greatest. You want them to be an excellent negotiator and great on their feet. This is often what you learn from reading reviews or getting a word-of-mouth referral.

Confidence, clear answers, a calm demeanour, a good track record of success, and an ability to clearly (and simply) explain the law and legal process to you are good indicators of skill. Try asking questions about one of the more complex aspects of your divorce in your interview or consultation to separate the wheat from the chaff.

In Summary…

So, how do you find this unicorn of a lawyer? This has been the guiding force in creating this site - to save a lot of people a lot of heartache, time, conflict and money. We hope the resources you find here will help you (and prepare for) the smoothest, easiest, most painless divorce possible. Having the right professional on your side is an excellent step toward that end.