bucket=Kids/Parenting,High Conflict Divorces,Should I Stay or Go?

Source: https://butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com/category/parenting/

All children need to figure out how to get the attention and approval needed to survive. Some families are perhaps better at letting children “unfold” into who they naturally are, but many of us instead learned adaptive strategies to get by in our families of origin. In my coaching practice, as people are unpacking and detangling early patterns which no longer serve them, it’s always clear to me that, as I like to say, they come by it honestly. That is, however they are habitually responding was at some point important for their very survival. It’s not random.

Your Strategy Doesn’t Have to be Your Destiny Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded. ~ Jess Lair

Here are three classic adaptive strategies I’ve seen from those raised in toxic families. See if any resonate with you (and some of us relate to more than one):

The Little Adult

This is a common strategy taken on by some children raised in chaotic and/or narcissistic families. Being the one who listens, understands, finds car keys, makes mac and cheese for the younger children, even sometimes deals with school, bills, etc., can be a successful way to feel valuable and important in the family. But good parents don’t expect, encourage, or allow this, because they know that no matter how mature a young child seems to be, a) they aren’t really able to manage complex emotional/logistical demands without it causing undue stress; and b) children need to be allowed to be children in order for them to develop in healthy ways. Encouraging the Little Adult is narcissistic on the part of the parent as it flips the appropriate family roles and “parentifies” the child for the parent’s gain.

Often the Little Adult in a family system becomes the “Golden Child” who is the parent’s favorite. Why wouldn’t they be? They’ve learned that their job is to focus on stabilizing the family and having no real needs of their own. In adulthood, this adaptive strategy often plays out with the person having difficulty speaking up in relationships, preferring to be the helper and having few needs of their own (the truth is, they have needs like all of us, but the person can find them difficult to recognize, much less verbalize), and sometimes finding chaos and dependency interesting and attractive.

The Rebel Fighter

This is a strategy designed to get seen and heard in a toxic family system, often one ruled by a narcissistic parent who is taking up all the air in the room. The Rebel Fighter acts out, can be overly dramatic, and tends to push back on rules and restrictions. They do get attention this way, which is critical to survival even if it isn’t positive attention. The worst thing is to feel that you don’t exist, so the Rebel Fighter figures out they will be seen if they fight for it.

Often the Rebel Fighter becomes the “Scapegoat” in the toxic family system, blamed for all the problems and issues. In adulthood, this adaptive strategy can play out in resisting any rules or restrictions, creating chaos and drama, and feeling that people who treat you well are dull and boring.

The Invisible One

This is a strategy designed to fly under the radar and simply not be hurt. The desperate hope of the Invisible One is “please please just ignore me and go away.” Children often take on this strategy in physically and/or emotionally violent homes. As much as we need attention to survive, sometimes that attention is so damaging the child figures it’s better just to disappear as much as possible. In other words, don’t draw their fire, and maybe it will all be ok.

The Invisible One is the “Ignored Child” in the family system, and many middle children take on this role (although it is definitely not theirs exclusively). In adulthood, this adaptive strategy can play out in the person being very uncomfortable being noticed, taking charge, or (similar to the Little Adult) not knowing or being able to express any of their own needs. I have also often seen simmering anger just below the surface in the adult Invisible One. Nothing is worse than feeling that somehow, in order to survive you had to pretend you didn’t exist at all.

Conclusion

And so, what do I mean by your strategy doesn’t have to be your destiny? When we understand that we adopted a way of being in order to survive, it can be the beginning of untangling ourselves from what can feel like our character or personality. We can ask ourselves instead, how might we unfold as people if we recognize the adaptive strategies for what they are? That is, not our personality, but how we survived. A trained coach or therapist can help immensely, supporting the process of discovering what we value, what we like, what works for us, what boundaries we need, and who we actually are when we don’t have to compromise, fight or disappear in order to survive.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She herself identifies with both the Little Adult and the Rebel Fighter.