Ilana Cohen, Colexiv Law & Amanda Hamu, M. A., R. P., Mental Health Lead, Psychotherapist, Consultant

Why do victims stay? We've all heard that leaving an abusive relationship is much harder than leaving healthy relationships. Abusers often control or restrict access to phones, devices, bank accounts and credit cards. They become angry, jealous or violent when a victim tries to make friends or speak to others, or heaven forbid, threatens to leave. They isolate victims from family, friends and the outside world. They may call and check on the victim at work frequently or even come spy on a victim at work (or worse yet, not allow the victim to work at all). It can become very hard to see how it might even be possible to escape.

It can be done, and this article is intended to give you a good list of things to think about and prepare in advance of leaving to keep yourself safe.

If you are in an abusive relationship, we remind you to be vigilant about visiting sites like this on your device, and encourage you to do this from devices of neighbours, friends, or at a public place like a library. We are working on a feature to help you exit the site immediately, and instructions are below for clearing your browser history. Stay safe.

Safety plans can be difficult to do on your own. All 24/7 hotlines for shelters are staffed with folks equipped to help someone create a safety plan, as can the national hotline below. We recommend women get help with this, since there are lots of things folks in the field know to consider during plan creation that most other people wouldn't think about.

1. Build a support group

Do this in any way you can, big or small. Online communities, neighbours, family and friends. Find trustworthy people who you can confide in about what you are going through who can help you, and who will not tip off your abuser. If you can find one or more key people to help you, share with them some of your particulars and key documents for safe keeping.

• Full Name (from legal documents)
• Pseudonym/Alternate Name:
• Address:
• Name(s) of Abuser(s) & Address(es) (if different)
• Email Addresses:
  • Yours:
  • Your partner’s:
• Your partner’s employer and contact info (if available)
• New e-mail address / phone:
• Your employer name and contact info:
• Your kids’ full names:
• Dates of birth:
• Photos, and details of their appearance, especially identifying marks:
• Passport number:
• Birth certificate number:
• Driver’s licence number:
• Health Card Number:
• Other Key Docs:
• (Kids’ passport numbers / birth certificates, etc)

2. Have a Secondary Device

Consider getting a burner phone / secondary computer / tablet/device if you can afford one and can find a place to keep it where it will not be discovered. This can be a lifeline to the outside world and a way to maintain connections with your support network as well as to start setting up your “next” life.

3. Plan for a New Life

Consider creating a secret identity that will be your new identity when you leave – create new email addresses, bank accounts, icloud/messaging accounts, accounts with all the services you regularly use for necessities so that they will be ready when you leave. Do not attach joint or existing credit cards to these accounts because they will make the accounts easier to connect to you/trace you. Be vigilant about not doing anything on your own accounts or devices which would show your partner what you are doing or that you are planning an escape. Delete messages, clear histories and cache. If you don’t know how, here are some instructions you can follow:

Internet/Phone Safety: https://www.yellowbrickhouse.org/internet-and-telephone-safety/

4. Key Documents

Move your key documents (and those of your kids) to a safe place if their removal will not be noticed. If you think their absence will be noticed, then a good second option is to keep photocopies / scanned copies / pictures of your key documents (driver’s license, health card, passport, citizenship, visa documents, other official government ID) somewhere where your abuser will not be able to find them. Be mindful that abusers will often be spying on your phones and other devices, as well as searching through your things. Even a photocopy in a “Go Bag” will be immensely helpful. (If you lose these, or don’t have copies when you leave, women’s shelters and domestic abuse services can help you get them replaced, but it’s easier if you at least have photos.)

5. Create Some Safe Words

Consider creating a set of key code words or phrases you can use with your support group to show when you need help without leaving an online trail or tipping your abuser off to what’s going on. For example: “I’m so hungry today” could be code for needing help. “I think we should order pizza tonight” could be code for wanting a support person to call 9-1-1. “I don’t really like that brand of pizza” could be code for letting your support person know that your abuser is present or spying on the conversation. Use expressions that will be clear to your support group, but familiar enough not to be suspicious in front of your abuser.

• I need help
• Please Call 9-1-1
• My abuser is present / listening / watchin
• Others:

6. Building an Escape Plan:

a) Find a safe place to go: Identify a safe place to stay, such as a shelter or a friend or family member's home. It's important to choose a location that the abusive partner is not familiar with and cannot easily access.

b) Plan the escape: Plan the escape carefully, considering the best time to leave when the abusive partner is not around. If your abuser offers you an out – ie. Telling you to get out during a fight – take it. It will give you a window to leave with a head start. The most dangerous time leaving abusive relationships is while preparing to leave, leaving and the first few months afterwards - abusers can often escalate violence during this time, even to the point of murder.

c) Make a “Go Bag”: with essentials for your escape and put it somewhere you will be able to get it quickly and easily when you leave, but that cannot be discovered by your abusive partner. Consider including items below and in the list here:

• any important documents for you and your children (originals if they won’t be noticed to be missing by abuser, otherwise, photocopies or photos – passports for you and your kids, health cards, driver’s licenses, birth certificates, immigration papers, social insurance card/number, car ownership and insurance, proof of address (utility bill), bank statements, marriage certificate, restraining order, other court orders, wills, life insurance policies or other investments, a copy of lease or mortgage papers, employment documents, )
• cash (for traceless spending) and valuables (jewellery, eg)
• a list of important phone numbers in case you don’t have a phone (friends, family, work, school, doctor, lawyer, crisis helpline/caseworker)
• a change or two of clothes for you and your children
• basic toiletries
• A favourite toy for each child
• full bottles of any medication you take regularly (fill one of the repeats on a prescription early if you can and put it in the bag)
• any super meaningful personal effects that you can’t live without (again, only if they’ll be unnoticed having gone missing)
• a diary of abuse if you have kept one
• (Never risk your safety for stuff. Once you've escaped, police can help you go back to retrieve belongings if you're not able to get them safely when you are leaving.)

d) Get support: Reach out to local organizations that provide support for victims of domestic violence. These organizations can provide guidance and assistance with the escape plan, including transportation, legal advice, and counseling. A list of a few is below. More will be added to this site as we grow. These organizations can help you recover any lost key documents, find you temporary shelter and even help you relocate. If you are an immigrant and living here on a visa, you may also want to contact your embassy and advise them of what’s going on.

e) Create a safety plan for emergencies: Develop a safety plan which should include steps to take if the abusive partner shows up unexpectedly. This plan should also include a list of emergency contacts, including local law enforcement and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

f) Protect online privacy: If the abusive partner has access to your phone or computer, it's important to create a new email address and use a secure messaging app to communicate with others about the escape plan. For example, WhatsApp uses end to end encryption which will prevent anyone except someone on the device from being able to access the messages, but be aware that there are lots of technologies out their to hack into devices or to be able to remotely see what you are doing. Be vigilant about what you do / say on your devices.

g) Call police (non-emergency line): and let them know you are safe and fleeing an abusive relationship. Abusers often call police after their partner has disappeared and file a missing persons report to get police to unwittingly track down the fleeing partner for them. When you give the police a head’s up, they won’t allow your partner to file the report.

h) Seek medical attention: If you have been physically abused, seek medical attention and document any injuries. This documentation may be helpful in obtaining a restraining order, sole custody over your children or other legal protections.

i) Document Everything: If safely possible, record abusive conversations or phone calls, and save texts, emails, and other correspondence showing abusive behaviour. Emails are best. These serve the same purpose as the medical records above.

j) Get legal help: Consider seeking legal assistance to obtain a restraining order or file for divorce. Do not alert the abusive partner of any legal action until you are permanently in a safe location. Local domestic violence organizations can provide referrals to legal aid services. You may also consider strategically getting a restraining order (called an Emergency Protection Order in Canada) as part of your escape plan. Be mindful though that this may trigger your partner, and they may not comply, which may add risk. If it can be done safely though, your abusive partner’s breach of that order could result in an arrest to give you some space and time to escape. Documentation will be important for this to be effective.

k) Stay connected with support: Stay connected with friends, family, and supportive organizations after the escape. This will provide ongoing emotional support and help you stay safe. Consider telling your support network when you are about to escape if your escape might put them in danger and sharing will not put you in danger. Consider NOT telling your support network where you are going if knowing would put their safety in danger. You can always get back in touch once you are safely away.

Tip: Be aware that partners who accuse you of spying on them are usually spying on you. Partners who accuse you of cheating on them are usually cheating on you. This is called “projection” and is a common manipulation (“DARVO”) tactic used by abusers. Learn to hear their accusations as admissions instead of accusations so that you don’t feel the need to defend yourself. Being defensive puts your abuser in control and makes them seem more credible to outsiders.

“DARVO” stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. These are a set of predictable tactics almost universally used by abusers to gain sympathy from others and turn people against the victim.

7. Financial Safety

a) Bank Accounts: If possible, open your own bank account(s) in your name alone. Do this in different banks than your joint accounts, at different branches, in locations that would not be predictable to your abuser. Divert any income or savings you can that will not alert your abuser. Consider whether it makes sense to set up multiple accounts with different banks and avoid keeping records of these together so that if one is found, not all are found by the abusive partner. Starting to keep a new financial life so you can build credit for yourself with financial institutions. This will help with getting loans, credit cards and mortgages later.

b) Credit Cards and Debt: Do your best to cancel any joint debt, including credit cards. If not possible, try to reduce the limits on these accounts and advise the banks of your situation. Provide them with notice that you do not consent to any increase in limits. If at all possible, pay off any joint debt and close the accounts. Set up your own credit cards and / or line of credit in your name to ensure you have access to funds when you escape. Keep records of these accounts secret from your partner. Be aware that you remain responsible for joint debt even if you tell the banks you have divorced, and that you cannot just take your name off of a loan or credit card without it being paid off. Do not agree to take on any new debt with your partner – they can use this to drive you into bankruptcy and keep you financially vulnerable.

c) Cash: If you can, start hiding away some cash slowly. Be careful to keep this somewhere it won’t be found. You may want to consider keeping it in a safe deposit box, or with a friend or support person if feasible. Be mindful of how you sock away cash to make sure your partner doesn’t know it’s gone missing. You may also consider buying precious metals (gold/silver coins eg) if you expect to take a long time to plan your escape as these can be traded back to the bank, but act as investments. They will not be readily available cash for a quick escape though, so think of these as starting long term savings for your ‘next’ life.

d) Gift Cards/Prepaid Credit Cards: If you can’t get cash (or in addition to cash) these can be a good way to store hidden money. Consider getting gift cards for groceries, drug stores, and any necessities you may need once you escape. Just be mindful that some of these prepaid cards may have expiry dates or start charging interest after a few months that will eat away at the money you’ve saved. Check when buying them. Also consider using some of that money to prepay rent for your next place or bills like phone and utility bills - it can give you a head start on your next life and your abuser won't be able to get the money back.

e) Safe Deposit Box / Alternate Location: Consider opening a safe deposit box for valuables, key documents / cash / stocks, bonds, loaded gift cards, information about your various accounts. Keep the key in a secure location – not at home. Alternately, if someone in your support network can keep these safe for you, that may be another option.

##8. Data Privacy and Safety

a) Passwords: Change all passwords to online accounts and devices. Do not keep passwords written down anywhere where your abuser will find them. Consider using a password manager.

b) Set a strong password: Make sure the phone is protected with a strong, unique password that is not easy to guess. Avoid using common passwords or ones that are easy to guess, such as birthdays, names, or simple patterns.

c) Use two-factor authentication: Enable two-factor authentication for any online accounts linked to the burner phone, such as email or social media. This will provide an additional layer of security and help prevent unauthorized access.

d) Use encrypted messaging apps: Consider using encrypted messaging apps, such as Signal or WhatsApp, for all communications. These apps use end-to-end encryption, which means that only the sender and intended recipient can read the messages.

e) Clear browsing history: Clear the browsing history and cache regularly to ensure that sensitive information is not stored on the device.

f) Physical Privacy: Keep devices on your person at all times, or in a safe place out of the home where your abuser cannot get to it: and avoid leaving it unattended or in the possession of your abusive partner if at all possible.

Local Domestic Violence Resources (Toronto, Ontario):

1. 211 – Women’s Helpline (run by Ontario government)
2. Assaulted Women’s Helpline - https://www.awhl.org/ - 416.863.0511 (or 1-866-863-0511 Toll Free outside of Toronto)
3. The YellowBrick House – 1-800-263-3247 Hotline.