I get asked this question all the time. As a general rule, the answer is a resounding “No”. Mediation tends to not be helpful with narcissists.

1. Mediators Don’t Care About What is Fair

Mediators mean well. They want to help you and your ex reach a resolution, so you can both move on with your lives. But - the goal of a mediator is not to bring the unreasonable person to the middle to achieve a fair result. Instead, a mediator will tell you that their job is just to get a deal done. You’ll often hear them say: “If both sides walk away unhappy, I’ve done my job well.”

When dealing with a narcissistic partner, that often means a mediator will view their job as making you bend all the way to meet your partner, even when they pick a selfish and unreasonable position that’s way off in left field – as they often do. This too often means you as the victim will likely end up further victimized - now by the mediator too (in spite of his or her best intentions) when what you were really hoping for was someone to talk sense into your ex.

2. Are They Really Just Trying to Delay?

Remember, Narcissists don’t care what is fair or reasonable. They care about: (1) what they want, and (2) what they can get away with. (They believe that what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is theirs.) They also know that you would really prefer to just be nice and compromise to make all the fighting stop. So, narcissists will tend to suggest things like this (only once you’re already exasperated) because they know you want to hear it, and it will renew your hope in a peaceful solution – and delay you taking them to court a little longer (or maybe forever). They do it to prolong the agony and to continue the push pull dynamic of giving you hope and then taking it away, being nice and then being mean.

Usually, even when they finally offer mediation, they won’t actually agree to any real compromise in mediation, or they may allow themselves to be pressured into making some compromise but claim to need time or their lawyers to review before signing – and then never sign on the dotted line.

3. Our Court System is Flawed

For better or for worse, our court system and the professionals in it are trained to insist on these forms of collaborative processes with the best of intentions (even when they aren’t appropriate or will tend to re-victimize or further victimize the victim.) If your lawyer or former partner is pushing you to mediation, and you don’t feel it will lead to anything but a waste of time and money, trust your gut and speak up!

4. When Should You Go to Mediation?

Our court systems believe that people should be reasonable. So they think nearly everyone should be able to resolve their differences without needing to go to court.

If you refuse to go to mediation or to attempt to resolve issues without going to court (through settlement, negotiation, mediation, etc.), the legal system may think you are the problem.

There is a fine balance to be struck between — being reasonable in negotiations and holding your boundaries so that the other person can’t waste your time and money to avoid getting to the end or paying you your due. Some mediation can be helpful to understand your exes’ arguments and pain points to help move things forward.

Final Words

Going through divorce with anyone is hard, scary and complicated. Going through it with an ex who won’t play nice is a nightmare. But with the right help and advice, you can move on to live your best life — sooner and happier.